Melanie Berry, LCSW, is a licensed oncology social worker with the Salem Health Cancer Support Services team. Berry said being there for a loved one can involve both emotional and practical approaches.

The social worker said what that looks like depends on the existing relationship. It could include sending uplifting videos, helping them pick out a wig if theirtreatment will include hair loss, or checking in to let them know you’re thinking of them.

“If you don’t know what to say, ‘I’m so sorry this is happening,’ is a good starting point. It’s also OK to say, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you,’” Berry said.

Berry said patients don’t expect their friends and family to provide solutions, and too many questions about treatment and diagnosis can be overwhelming. 

“People living with cancer also tell us they wish their friends would still come to them with normal things, like work or relationship issues you’d normally discuss,” Berry said. “They still have opinions and often enjoy a break from thinking and talking about cancer. It’s always OK to ask, ‘Do you have capacity for discussing this work issue I’m dealing with?’ or whatever the topic is.”

Berry also recommends following the patient’s lead and asking how they would like to be supported emotionally, as well as reassuring the patient that they don’t have to respond if they’re overwhelmed. 

The social worker said patients often feel pressure to constantly respond, and that feeling of being “under the microscope” can be stressful.

The reason for being specific in offers of support is to avoid adding a burden to the patient. “Call me if you need anything” puts the burden back on the patient to figure out who to ask for what. Saying “I’d like to drop off a meal, is Tuesday ok?” is actually helpful. 

Some other ideas include creating a CaringBridge page where family and friends can stay updated with information, set up a meal train or map out a wish list of tasks for loved ones.

When taking the time to offer this support, make sure to ask about food preferences or what things people might actually need in a care package. 

“We all thrive better in community — emotionally, mentally and even physically,” Berry said. “A robust social support system is a positive indicator for how people will cope with cancer treatment, as long as they are open to receiving support.”